Familius

Wall Art

Sometimes kids draw on walls. This is a fact. Sometimes the art comes off and sometimes you have to buy new paint.

I have a special mural on the wall beside my bed--dinosaurs in pen and ink by a three year old. No one ever sees the mural but me and every time I do I smile.

There used to be dinosaurs all over the living room. Now there is just boring, greenish-brown paint.

Take time to love your kids and their art, regardless of where the art ends up.

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” --Pablo Picasso

The Joy of Work

When we’re very young, we don’t connect any negative connotation to the word “work.” What we understand is that we get to use a hammer and be with Dad or Mom and it’s fun to help.

When we’re an adolescent, somehow the fun drifts away but we still get to be with Mom and Dad and so we do it.

As teens, the fun disappears from work and we really don’t like being with Mom and Dad anyway, so can somebody else do it?

When we’re on our own, we work for the money and what money can buy. Sometimes we work just for the money, as crazy as that sounds, working for something as common as money.

When we’re middle aged, we work because we have to.

Finally, as we age, we work because we understand that work in and of itself brings joy. We build. We create. We fix. We help. We beautify. We clean. We teach. We connect. We cook. We WORK. We become like the child we used to be--we work because it’s fun, because we get to be with people we love, and we get to swing that metaphorical hammer.

An average lifespan is around eighty years. The amount of time we spend working for what money can buy will be approximately 14,000 days. Those can be long days. If we think of work like we think of play and we choose things we enjoy doing, work becomes a joy and those 14,000 days become a lifetime of exploration and improvement in the world around us. Enjoy them.

To work. It’s a positive verb.

Fathers and Sons

In the moving documentary “The Story of Fathers & Sons” by Catherine Ryan and Gary Weimberg of Luna Productions a father whose son is handicapped, unable to fully function on his own, relates that during quiet moments, “You start really thinking about what is important in life. What kind of relationship are you having with your son?”

Adapting his original vision and dreams of fatherhood, the father decides, “Instead of walking with you I will crawl with you. Instead of focusing on what you cannot do, I will reward you with love for what you can do. Instead of isolating you, I will create adventures for you. Instead of feeling sorry for you, I will respect you.”

The father says, “I began to realize that the father-child relationship is about the soul.”

Do you know your father? Do you know your son?

Get to know him. It’s about the soul.

The Art of Bonsai

Many years ago I was introduced to the art of bonsai. I was fascinated with creating living art that, in some cases, would not fully mature until after the artist's death. Such an art form is more concerned with long-term objectives than immediate results.

Gratification is delayed and the journey is often the destination.

It takes a special kind of patience and willingness to beautify the world around you, particularly if you may not see the final result, to even consider learning this art.

Family life is similar. The family is also an art form, more beautiful, more complex, and significantly more enduring than bonsai.  All families need cultivation. All people need gentle direction and periodic, patient pruning to flourish. Often the results we hope for will not appear for decades, long after we've worked to create positive relationships. This may seem frustrating but working with your family, like working with bonsai, takes a multi-generational point of view.

When is the best time to plant a tree? Twenty years ago. When is the next best time? Today.

Cultivate your family. Begin. Today.

What We Can Learn From Chickens

It’s been said that one shouldn’t count chickens before they hatch. Oscar Wilde commented, “People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely, because chickens run about so absurdly that it is impossible to count them accurately.”

Point? Sometimes it’s good to take inventory of the situation before it gets out of control.

Be Persistent

Marriage and parenting do not come with a handbook. Each of us has to figure this out on his or her own. Sure, there are self-help books and we have examples before us, but our individual experiences are so immediate, so varied and unique that we often struggle to connect during our moment of crisis.

Don’t panic. Don’t run. Don’t give up.

Be persistent.

If the relationship has potential (most marriages do and all children are born with tremendous potential), be persistent. Persistence is the secret to success in any worthwhile endeavor. The benefits of a loving marriage and teachable, self-confident, and thankful children far outweigh the short-term challenges and obstacles that confront us.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” --Calvin Coolidge

Men and Beards

My sixteen-year-old son challenged me to a beard growing contest. I gave him a three day head start. He was so confident he’d win that he explained that when it was full grown, in a week, he was going to shave it into a “Victor” beard from the movie Wolverine.

His mother told him he’d not be allowed to leave the house.

I quietly encouraged him to keep growing it.

After five days, he threw in the towel. “You win, Dad.”

I was unsatisfied. I told him we needed to have an unbiased survey and turn to Facebook. When the survey concluded that I had, indeed, won, I congratulated him on how well he did. His beard was awesome and far thicker than what I had at his age. He liked that.

Teenage boys want to be men. And while they’re not yet men on the inside, sometimes they are men on the outside. Acknowledging their progress and validating their manhood may help them, one day, become the men you want them to be. 

Marketing Your Way To Love

I have a friend who, when her boyfriend asked her to marry him, told him she needed time to think about making such a commitment.

He was devastated, wondering why she wouldn’t immediately say yes.

After two days of thinking and she still hadn’t come around to answering him, he began his marketing campaign. Each morning he would call and say, “You love me. You like me. Your life will be totally miserable without me.”

He’d then send her a fax with the same information. And an email. And a letter. And later that night, he’d call and tell her again, “You love me. You like me. Your life will be totally miserable without me.”

Post-it notes would appear on her mirror, her door, her car, inside her books, on her refrigerator with the same message: “You love me. You like me. Your life will be totally miserable without me.”

A month later, after more than 200 messages, she said yes. They’ve been happily married for almost two decades and he still says, “You love me. You like me. Your life will be totally miserable without me.”

Sometimes, marketing your way to love is the only way to win her hand.

Music Education

Music. Statistically, music majors have the highest entrance percentages to medical school. Music teaches patience, work ethic, delayed gratification, performance ability, teamwork, self-confidence, and emotionally connects us to others. I have a number of friends whose children play a little music, but they don’t really practice. The lessons happen each week but progress is slow and tedious--for parent, teacher, and student. Why don’t their children practice?

“I can’t stand the battle,” they say.

“Do you have them do homework?”

“Yes,” they say.

“Chores?”

Again, yes.

If you can get your children to do homework and chores, why should music be any different? No child likes to do homework, but it prepares him, step by step, to learn greater things. No child likes to do chores, but it teaches her that positive results are gained through consistent effort.

I’ve never met anyone who likes to practice. But I’ve also never met anyone who doesn’t like to play.

Teach children to practice in the same way you teach them to work or do their homework. It’s part of the deal. They’ll thank you later.

Have you ever met an adult who said, “I wish my mother had never made me play the piano?”

Integrity

What signal do you give your family? Is it one of integrity, that when you say you will do something that you do it?

How do you want to be known? As someone who keeps her word, who can be trusted in all things, or as someone who views integrity as a cafeteria plan, a principal of convenience, a choice based on the end price of the decision?

As a society our collective word is eroding. Why this is happening, we can debate, but to turn it around for the next generation it will take individuals ensuring that “their word is their bond.” One’s word is his honor and family’s honor.

There is no greater teacher than example.

If you want your family to be trusted, to have character and show integrity in all their decisions and relationships, be an example.

Your word is your bond.

We are all watching.