Familius

How Men Learn to Love

For some men time at home with children will be part of a necessary education in learning to love.  Some men simply haven’t learned how, and some love deeply but can’t express it. Others feel love but don’t channel it into responsible and nurturing action.

Whatever his own background, a man won’t find better teachers in the art of loving than his own children. By their very nature they demand, beg for, insist on, or wither without his love.

And he too will wither--may already be withering--until he learns to give that love freely, until he grows to that point where giving is as joyous as getting.

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty." --Anonymous

--from Open Arms: A Fathering Book for Husbands and Wives By Tim Myers, forthcoming from Familius

Strawberries

Strawberries are a most marvelous gift. Little red jewels of sweetness. You plant them and over time they send forth runners that improve your harvest. Soon, your patch is filled with strawberries, enough to share.

The original mother plant, however, begins to age. It crowns and its fruit is neither as sweet nor as large as those of its daughters.

To maintain the strength of the plant and gain the most fruit bearing potential, it must be dug up and separated, if possible.

Life is like this also. Left too long in one area, we can lose our strength and our ability to share our gifts. We must be dug up and replanted. It’s painful. It’s difficult. Life will do this to us because life demands growth.

New soil, new ground, new points of view and new challenges invigorate us and cause us to bear stronger fruit, enough for ourselves and to share.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman

How to Change the World

In the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard authors Chip Heath and Dan Heath write, "Big problems are rarely solved with commensurately big solutions. Instead, they are most often solved by a sequence of small solutions, sometimes over weeks, sometimes over decades."

The reason for this is that rarely do big problems come about spontaneously. Big problems are created by a series of small acts or decisions that lead to larger and larger problems.

So, if to solve big problems we need tackle a series of small solutions, where do we start?

Start with yourself and through your example others will be encouraged to follow. Be patient. Be loving. Think long term. Enjoy the journey. It may be that you'll never see the end result. But you can certainly enjoy the incremental growth that occurs over days, weeks, and decades.

Our example is the best way to communicate our hope and faith in each other, that large problems can be solved, that life is worth living, and that people are worth loving. Our series of small solutions starts each day with ourselves.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” --Gandhi

Mud On Our Shoes

Things can get dirty. In our journey through life, we will find our path challenged by dirt and mud. Sometimes you can go around these obstacles. Sometimes, you have no choice but to roll up your pants and wade ankle deep through things you’d rather just ignore.

Sometimes the mud we pick up follows us for miles as we work to get rid of it, scratching it on posts, scraping it on sidewalks, and rubbing it off with makeshift tools.

 
Sometimes, these muddy tracks lead right up to our front door for all to see.

It’s ok. It’s only dirt. It’s only mud. You can clean it. And those muddy prints for all to see? They show your journey. It’s ok. We’ve all been there, had our share of challenges and been through things we’d rather not talk about.

If you look back you’ll usually find more than one set of tracks, more than one set of dirty shoes. Usually, your loved ones were and are beside you and will share in your journey. It’s ok. You are loved.

How Do You Start Your Day?

Boing boing--the sound travels through the floor down to the kitchen. My little two-year-old has just climbed out of bed and is playing with the doorstop. It’s her way of communicating that she’s awake. It’s eight in the morning. I head upstairs a few minutes after her “I’m awake” announcement.  She is sitting in the rocking chair reading (looking at) a book. She smiles as I walk in and gives me a big squeezy neck hug. Now we go get her twin sister and the day is on.

Babies, toddlers, children, teenagers and even parents have wake up calls, our look-at-me-I’m-ready-for-the-day, ready-for-fun, ready-to-talk, or to ask for help. Sometimes they will come right out and tell you what they need, but more often it comes in some type of secret code. It may be a look, a cry, a walk, or the boing of a doorstop. Our job is to notice the call and respond with love. Let’s be there to help, to comfort, to love, and to play.

"People were made to be loved. Things were made to be used. The reason the world is in chaos is because people are being used, and things are being loved." --Anonymous

Sibling Love

Teaching children to love and respect each other is just as important as teaching them to love and respect their parents and others. Sibling love is a far more potent emotion than sibling rivalry.

"I, who have no sisters or brothers, look with some degree of innocent envy on those who may be said to be born to friends."  --James Boswell

What We Can Learn from Rock Climbing

Who do you trust with your life?

When my family goes rock climbing my oldest son will often belay me. We call this role the belay slave. He stands at the base of the cliff, controls the rope, and coaches, suggesting holds and moves that will help me reach the top.

In climbing you are completely vulnerable to the belay slave. I trust my son, literally during these moments, with my life.

It has been about a year since he flew the nest. My oldest child, the first to move out on his own. This has been emotionally challenging for me. I have had to learn that I must trust him with his own life as I trust him with mine.

He is a great person and we have taught him all the important things like change your underwear and be nice to people.

I am sure he will do great things and hopefully if he ever asks for help I can offer some suggestions just as he does when I need to find a good hold on the cliff.

What We Can Learn From Looking

Today’s guest post is by MaryAnn F. Kohl, author of 20+ books about art for children. MaryAnn owns Bright Ring Publishing, and is also a literary agent to the education and parenting genre. MaryAnn has always been a big believer in creativity and art for kids.

My mom died when I was a new, young mother. Until then, I had always been the child to both of us, the two of us never really knowing each other as one adult to another. I know I missed something special losing her so young. I longed to know her. Recently I realized that there was much I could learn about my adult mother from pictures stashed away in our old photo albums. And so I began to look with new eyes.

In these 1948 snapshots, we are seen frolicking on the beach of Bainbridge Island in Washington state, our island home. We’re exploring a rocky beach, the tide is low, seaweed is slimy, the exposed sand is black and muddy on our shoes. And yet, here we are in our very nice clothes without a care in the world.

What I notice most is that my mom has on a lovely linen suit, and my muddy shoe prints are all over the front of her skirt. She doesn’t mind. She loves me. She loves our time on the beach together. She is gentle with me, and thoughtful. She cares that I am learning and finding joy in the adventure. I am safe, I am protected, I am feeling free to learn and explore with her strength and love nearby.

Did I always know this about her, that she was this kind of mother? I knew, but the pictures I see of us together on this muddy slippery beach tell me more than words could ever say. The silent voices that I hear as I look at the two of us together are, “I love you. I will take care of you. You are precious to me.”

I think every child wants to know they are loved, safe, and precious. A picture truly is worth a thousand words, and these pictures speak volumes that tell me everything I needed to know.

The Power of Books

"Those who will live one hundred generations after us are not yet born, and cannot tell what sort of people they will be. Yet thanks to the existence of written culture even those living ten thousand generations hence will be able to enter into my mind as if we were contemporaries.

As for those worthy figures who lived a hundred generations ago, although they too are gone, yet thanks to the books they left behind we who come after can hear their modes of discourse, observe their grand demeanor, and understand both the good order and chaos of their times, exactly as if we were living among them." 

--Matteo Ricci, Italian missionary to China (1552-1660)

How to Feed a Teenage Boy

As my fifteen-year-old son and I were exiting the doctor's office he says, “Can I have a sample of this milk stuff?”  

“What?” I ask.

“Right here it says ‘Milk drink, one and up.’”

I start laughing. “Are you serious? This is for toddlers.”

I apologize to the receptionist and point my son to the exit. We are about to get into the elevator, but I am laughing so hard I have to go back. I return to the receptionist and giggle as I say thanks for the sample.

We take it home and my son mixes it up, drinks it in one gulp and says, “Pretty good but I think I should have put it in the fridge first.”

Add toddler Enfamil to your emergency food list for your teenager.

How do you know if your teenage boy is hungry? Check his pulse. Does he have one? If yes, he is hungry--very hungry and would love to eat, or drink, anything, absolutely anything.