Familius

How to Live an Abundant Life

At Familius we believe that one of the main purposes of life is to be happy. We also believe that to be happy one must embrace an abundant life. What is an abundant life?

An abundant life is a life where we embrace all that we have—our time, talents and everything we’ve been given—as gifts to be shared.

By sharing what we have, we allow others to experience things that they might not have had chance to otherwise. We’re not talking about a Marxist manifesto. We’re talking about using resources to set up a school in a third-world country. We’re talking about allowing a child to fish in the stream by our home. We’re talking about reading to a classroom, playing music for the elderly, giving our excess to those less fortunate, watching a couple’s children so they can enjoy an evening out, or replacing an alternator in your neighbor’s car because he has two full-time jobs.

An abundant life is where we go outside ourselves and provide for others in our own unique way. As we share our talents, they are honed and sharpened and return to us even better.

I once spent a Christmas Eve with an immigrant family from South America. They had set up some 2x4 studs and thrown blankets and cardboard over them to create a makeshift shelter. It was cold. Their Christmas meal consisted of beans and flour tortillas. There were no gifts except a broken packing box that the mother gave to her four-year-old son. He loved it and through imagination created many different toys—a tank, an airplane, a spaceship, a race car, a hamburger stand . . .  

After a few minutes he asked if I wanted the box, still in good condition, as my present. He gave it to me because I had not received anything that night and he wanted to share what he had. And in giving we both smiled and laughed as we played together on the dirt floor.

With so little, this family lived an abundant life because all they had they shared—their shelter, their beans and tortillas, their Christmas Eve, and the one gift provided to their son.

If you wish to be happy, in all that you do, take time to share and give what you already have—time, talent, skill and things. The world will be better and you will smile and have joy.

“I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.” —Maya Angelou  

When You Need to Sit Down

We are all racing. The world today requires more from of us than ever before, whether it be from our jobs, our families, our school, our community, even from our social media.

Who are our friends? Have we “friended” them? Have we “liked” or “shared” enough of their posts? Did we forget someone or offend someone? And beyond our virtual life, we have the real one. Did we give more time than our business colleague to impress the higher-ups? Have we increased our stock price this quarter? Did we volunteer at our local church, scout troop, school, or community symphony? Did we read that book and are we able to speak intelligently about what NPR reported this morning?

We are so focused on the individual destinations that we forget that each of these is, in fact, part of the overall journey.  And the journey is the destination. Life is an exploration and is meant to provide us with experiences.

How do you find time to enjoy the journey and to experience the experience, to catch a breath and take stock of your surroundings?

Try sitting down, really. Sit down and breathe. Breathe. In. Out. Slow breaths. Breathe.

Decide what is important and what is not. Choose wisely. Whether you take the road less traveled or not, you cannot take both. That's part of life's objective, to teach us to choose and learn from the ramifications of that one, unique choice. So, sit and think and weigh and choose. 

And, as you sit and decide, look around. Even the simplest path has tremendous opportunity and joy. And if you have someone to share it with, all the better.

“To get up each morning with the resolve to be happy. . . is to set our own conditions to the events of each day. To do this is to condition circumstances instead of being conditioned by them.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

What's the True Measure of a Man?

I once returned to my car after grocery shopping to overhear an argument between a husband and his wife. The husband was upset that the keys were locked in the car. His wife had accidently left them in the ignition while getting her children from the backseat and someone had pushed the lock button.

He called his wife stupid, an idiot, and threatened repeatedly to beat her. I stepped toward their car and asked if I could give them some help. He said no and continued to berate his wife, working frantically with a coat hanger to open the door.

I said, “No, seriously, what can I do to help you? I’m happy to drive you to your home so you can get another set of keys.”

“You just don’t want to see me beat my wife,” he said. His wife and kids looked at me and then to the ground.

“You’re right,” I answered. “There’s no reason to since they’re just keys and everyone has locked his keys in his car at one time or another. I did it so many times in high school and had so much practice that I could get the car open within two minutes. Let me give you a hand.” Again, he said he wasn’t interested.

His wife looked appreciative but apprehensive. I said, “At least use my phone and call someone.” She took the phone, said thanks, and called a neighbor. I waited and had a one-sided conversation until the neighbor came, the car was unlocked with a second set of keys from their house, and they were on their way. I have no idea what happened after they left but I wonder.

The world is filled with contention. It seems it always has been, from the biblical slaying of Abel to the most recent massacre in Russia. Raised voices, anger, lashing out—ugly and threatening behavior is commonplace at home and even in public places today. One could argue that anger is acceptable given the frequency of tragic events at home and abroad. It is not.

Instead of anger, choose peace. Instead of raised voices, choose a soft word. Instead of belittling, find the good in your companion. Instead of tears, try laughter.

The measure of a man is not in his accomplishments, but in his ability to control his temper.” —Paul Hirst  

Ten Things to Remember about Teens (and ourselves)

“A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents think he does, and about two years after he thinks he does.”  ~Lewis B. Hershey

“Every girl has 3 personalities : when she's with her family, when she's with her friends and when she's with HIM.” ~Anonymous

“There is nothing wrong with a teenager that reasonable conversation won’t aggravate.” ~ Anonymous

“Mother Nature is providential.  She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”  ~William Galvin

“The invention of the teenager was a mistake.  Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes - naturally, no one wants to live any other way.”  ~Judith Martin

“You can tell a child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he is going.”  ~Anonymous

“Why do children want to grow up?  Because they experience their lives as constrained by immaturity and perceive adulthood as a condition of greater freedom and opportunity.  But what is there today, in America, that very poor and very rich adolescents want to do but cannot do?  Not much:  they can "do" drugs, "have" sex, "make" babies, and "get" money (from their parents, crime, or the State).  For such adolescents, adulthood becomes synonymous with responsibility rather than liberty.  Is it any surprise that they remain adolescents?”  ~Thomas Szasz

“I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do now.”  ~Will Rogers

“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”  ~Socrates

“When adults say, ‘Teenagers think they are invincible’ with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.” ~John Green in Looking for Alaska

How to Make Your House Your Home

Today, while watering our hanging flower baskets on the front porch, I discovered a robin had built a nest in the middle of the yellow Petunias. I was reminded of the saying that a home is where you hang your hat.

Many of us work significant hours to have a house. Our house or apartment or condominium is a major part of who we are. It is often a physical manifestation of our personality and how we want people to think of us.

As an architectural and design publisher for almost two decades I visited some of the most unique homes built. These homes were built in every style imaginable—Victorian, Arts and Crafts, Post-Modern, Straw bale, Earth ship, Rammed Earth, Concrete, Yurts, and more. Some homes were up to 30,000 square feet and used expensive, imported and rare materials for their construction. Other homes were entirely constructed from prefabricated, mad-made materials and were minimalist in their design and accouterments. Others were built from either reclaimed or recycled materials. And still others were built from natural materials gathered from the land. Each of these homes was unique and personified those who chose to build them.

Yet, while the architecture, the proportion, the materials, the color and the design are critical, a house becomes a home only through those who live there. It is the spirit of the home that makes a difference in whether we feel welcome, comfortable and at peace. Happy is the home where love resides, it is said.

You can build a house, but to have a home takes something more than cash and materials. It takes time and dedication to fill it with memories. It takes the proper care and emotional feeding of those who pass through. To make your house your home, it takes an understanding and appreciation for the unique people who live there.

Make your house your home. Love and shelter those within its walls, including yourself.

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.” —Maya Angelou

The Daily Grind

I’ve been with my partner, Patrick, for 12 ½ years now. I knew I loved him within a matter of days after we started dating…except we never actually dated. We took a 12-day trip together, as friends, and somewhere on the roads between Brighton, Dover, Whitby, Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Liverpool I realized I loved him. It caught us both by surprise.

We’ve had our ups and downs, as all couples do, but the year he battled cancer we found new strengths. We are raising the most amazing kid, whom we adore and enjoy.

If I am forced to explain why it worked for us, I say that we laugh together. Laughter is actually just the root. What makes the root grow is the real secret and that secret is coffee.

A few weeks after we got together I went to stay with him on a sailboat he was minding. It was the dead of winter. When I woke he was gone. He arrived a few minutes later with a large cup of coffee in hand. He had gone out and gotten me a cup of coffee. This spoke louder than roses and diamonds ever could.

Twelve years later, I know I can count on a cup of coffee on the bedside table to greet me on tough mornings. This simple act tells me I am not only loved, but that I am cared for. That is the secret.

—Davida Gypsy Breier

Davida Gypsy Breier works for The Johns Hopkins University Press, managing its distribution division, HFS. She serves on the Independent Book Publishers Association board and the board of No Voice Unheard, an independent publisher. She lives in Baltimore, but don’t hold that against her.

Teenagers and Driving Permits

Yesterday, my son took his driver’s license permit test, a fifty question test that some government employee has determined separates the safer drivers from the problem drivers.

The entire DMV was filled with moms, dads, and their young teenage children. This is the last week of school. Each parent commiserated with the other about insurance costs, time investment, driving horror stories, girls driving in cars with boys stories, and more. The girls sat and looked very nervous. The boys played on their cell phones and appeared bored.

If you fail this test by missing 11 out of the 50 questions on the test you get another chance. If you fail it again, you have to return the next day, pay two dollars, and try again. We’re not sure if there is a limit to how many times you can take the test during your lifetime.

My son failed it, twice. He missed 12 out of the 50. They handed him a picture of a driver’s license with his picture on it. On the top of the license printed in bold lettering it said, NO PRIVILEGES.

“It looks like,” I said looking at the license, “you don’t have any privileges. Sorry to hear that.”

“They should have given me another chance,” my son said.

“They did—tomorrow.”

“You have to pay two dollars,” he said.

“No. You have to pay two dollars.”

“They should have just asked me one more question so I could drive.” He hit the window. “Just one more question. They could have just asked, ‘What do you do when the light turns red.’”

I stopped the car. “So you think that even though the rules are that you have to pass the test, they should have made an exception for you today.”

“Well, yah.”

“Did you read the handbook they give out?”

“I took some practice tests online.”

“Did you read the handbook, the rule book, the book that tells you what you need to know?’

“No.”

“But you should drive?”

“Yah.”

I thought for a moment and said, “If I teach you something, will you listen?” He complained again, saying the rule was not fair. I repeated the question. He finally agreed.

“Here’s the deal,” I said. “Fair is where you go to see a pig. Society creates rules to live buy. We agree to them. If you follow the rules, life is easier. If you choose not to follow the rules, you have to spend more time, money, and energy getting back in line to eventually follow the rules. Had you studied the handbook, you’d have known the answers and you would be driving home. Don’t blame them for the fact that you didn’t do what they expected.”

I was proud of myself. I had carefully explained a life principle to my son without going berserk. “Did you pick up the handbook to study?” I asked.

“Nope,” he said staring out the window, “I’m going to take some more practice tests. . . Can we come back tomorrow?”

Sigh.

Learn to See Each Other

When does a family start? It is the first moment that a soon-to-be husband and wife see each other. There is a lot of work from this magical moment to the wedding and then even more work each day as they build their life and family together.

When my husband first saw me he claims I was smiling at him and there was some sort of halo around my head. In truth I think I was smiling at life and the halo? Well, we all see things at times.  Halo or no halo, we will celebrate our 22^ndanniversary this year.

What can a couple do to nurture their relationship as the years fly by?

See each other.  

When you part for a time and come back together, really look at each other. Learn to see each other. Take a moment and share a smile, a hug, a kiss.

Avatar is one of my husband’s favorite movies. When those big, blue people greet each other they say in their language, “I see you.”  This means I see your heart, I know you, I accept you for who you are, and I love you. I love you not only for your goodness but also for your struggles, for your commitment to work at life and our relationship. I love you because you strive to be better each day.

To strengthen your relationship, learn to see each other—whether it’s for the first time or the thousandth time.

I love you, Christopher. Thank you for seeing me on that sunny day more than twenty years ago, and also today when I have a baby on each hip and flour on my tummy. Oh, and I just burned the cookies. Sorry.

 I see you.

--Mater Familius

How to Perservere When Teaching Your Kids

Have you ever found yourself trying to accomplish something with your children, teach them something, and all the while they are focused on everything else in the world. I don’t know how many times I’ve said something which is the equivalent of, “Quit enjoying that! That isn’t the fun we came to have!”

Trying to teach your kids a skill or interest them in the nuances of a hobby can be difficult. You want them to enjoy the activity because the activity is important or fun to you. However, chances are you weren’t born with the skills to master the task. You had to learn. Think back. Did the person who taught you the skill get frustrated and yell because you weren’t focusing, or did that person let you enjoy the experience and teach you at the same time?

Remember, you learned from someone. Your kids probably aren’t going to be experts right from the start. Ask yourself, “Why do I want my child to have this skill? Am I teaching my child to catch a ball because if he doesn’t learn fire will rain from the sky, or am I teaching my child to catch a ball so he will enjoy it?”

Also, try to remember that just because you are interested in something, that doesn’t mean your kids will be, or that they have to enjoy it as well. Maybe it is an activity that they need to wait a few years to learn. Maybe it is something they just don’t want to know. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t teach your kids things they don’t want to know. You have to teach them to write whether they want to learn or not. Table manners, in my book, are a must. These things, however, aren’t learned in one sitting. Persevere. Try not to let one act at the table ruin the whole meal. And, my dear wife, if you are reading this, I assure you that I know, even if I don’t always show it, that I am often the pot calling all the kettles black.

From Muddling Through: A Funny Little Book for Parents and Kids by Bil Lepp, forthcoming from Familius

How to View Rare Events

As seen from the earth, a solar eclipse is where the moon passes between the earth and the sun and either totally or partially blocks the sun. A solar eclipse is not as rare an event as one would think. They occur on average every eighteen months and up to five times annually.

However, while a solar eclipse may occur up to five times in a calendar year, this has only happened seven times since the invention of the Gregorian calendar in 1582. 2012 is one of these years.

While a solar eclipse will be visible five times from the earth this year, the ability to view an eclipse depends upon one’s location relative to the orbital path of the sun and moon.

So, even if you are alive in 2012, to view an eclipse you have to be in the right place at the right time.

I have seen two in my lifetime, the most recent being yesterday. I will not see another until I am sixty-nine, 25 years from now, unless I decide to chase an eclipse by changing geographies.

Opportunity is like this also. Opportunity is not a rare event. Opportunity abounds throughout the year. For you, however, a unique opportunity is a rare event. You have to be in the right place at the right time and you have to be prepared to see it.

Births, graduation, dances, baseball games, school plays, anniversaries, first steps, first words, birthdays, family vacations are all frequent events. Those relative and unique to you are not.

To create memories, you must be in the right place at the right time. When is your next rare event and will you be there? 

"Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you're waiting for don't pass you by." —Anonymous