Familius

Imperfect Fathers, Root Beer and Teenage Sons

I’m not a perfect father. I don’t know a perfect father, although most, I think, give it their best shot.

I have nine kids and each of them is radically different. They came prepackaged and were individuals from their first heart beat. Each one requires a different approach and sometimes it’s more difficult to reach them than any contract negotiation I’ve ever been in. Teenagers are particularly difficult because they have a genetic predisposition to be right and have the last word.

Tonight during dinner, my seventeen year old son argued with his little brother about why he doesn’t drink root beer. “I’m not going to tell you,” he said. Of course, they then argued and my seventeen year old was quite rude and inconsiderate.

I made the mistake of getting involved—usually a bad idea when children are arguing. My son was then rude to me. His mother got involved and tried to patiently explain to him that he was out of line and should apologize for his behavior.

He then began to argue with her explaining that he had every right to defend his point of view and that it wasn’t rude to explain to someone why they were wrong. “In fact,” he said, “I think it is you who should be apologizing to me.” He lifted his chin in the air and folded his arms across his chest.

I did what any perfectly loving father would do. I threw my cup of root beer at him.

And I really like root beer. 

Now, the question is what would a perfect father have done?

“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.” —Doug Larson

Seth Godin's Unicorn

Yesterday, Seth Godin, one of the most influential bloggers on marketing, wrote the following:

“The easiest way to sell yourself short is to compare your work to the competition. To say that you are 5% cheaper or have one or two features that stand out--this is a formula for slightly better mediocrity.

The goal ought to be to compare yourself not to the best your peers or the competition has managed to get through a committee or down on paper, but to an unattainable, magical unicorn.

Compared to that, how are you doing?”

What’s interesting is that Seth’s comments on marketing align with our own thoughts about family.

As families we have goals, objectives, and aspirations. However we often and frustratingly compare ourselves with our friends, family and neighbors. We try to keep up with the Joneses and in so doing we lose sight of our own best benchmark—our personal happiness, joy and satisfaction. When we try to meet the “competition,” having no true understanding of the Jones’ personal challenges, we set ourselves up for failure, because the goal itself could be a myth or worse, a façade.

When Seth suggests we search for the magical unattainable unicorn, he’s saying we should set our personal vision much higher than we currently do. He’s also saying one should never align one’s goals with the competition. What’s ironic in family life is that we are not in competition with our friends or neighbors. There is no competition. It’s a journey but not a destination. It’s a test but not a grade.

When the King James Bible was translated from the Greek Septuagint and the Latin Vulgate the translators used “unicorn” in place of re’em, a Hebrew word for an animal known for its strength and agility.

We should keep in mind that our family’s strength and agility depends not only on our goals but also on harmony. Losing site of the true objective by focusing on the “competition” leaves us missing the forest for the trees.  

So, if you want to follow Seth’s advice and search for the “unicorn” make sure to choose wisely what your family should be about and instead of competing with the Joneses, you might consider lending them a hand.

“Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.” ~ Doug Larson

Foxes and Chickens and Fences

Yesterday we had 28 chickens. Today we have 19. 

Chickens are flightless birds. They are also quite stupid. At night, when they are roosting, you can pick them up and move them from one roost to another without them ever trying to get away. Further, you can lay them down on the ground with their head and beak pointed out, draw a line in the dirt from their beak about two inches out and then lift your finger and they'll just stay there, staring at the line, hypnotized.

It's no wonder that if a fox is around he can make quick work of a brood of hens. 

You have to protect them. You have to fence them in from the ground predators and you have to cover their run with netting to keep the flying predators, like hawks, falcons, and owls, out. Protecting chickens can be a full time job. And without diligence, ensuring that the fence is strung well, that there are no holes for predators to creep through, you're bound to lose a few. 

And that's what happened to my chickens. I missed a hole in the fence.

While healthy family life requires open air and little fencing and the encouragement to spread our wings, without providing some education and protection against those who may harm your family, you are taking a significant risk. Little children, teens and even some adults will allow themselves to be lifted from their metaphorical roost and taken to dangerous places. They can be hypnotized by the finger of some ill-meaning advertiser and even carried off by people more wily than foxes. 

Check your fencing and make sure it can educate, enable, encourage, and protect. 

The family is both the fundamental unit of society as well as the root of culture. It ... is a perpetual source of encouragement, advocacy, assurance, and emotional refueling that empowers a child to venture with confidence into the greater world and to become all that he can be. —Marianne E. Neifert, Dr. Mom’s Parenting Guide

A Leap of Faith Requires Some Action

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." 

--Ray Bradbury, August 22, 1920-June 6, 2012
  

Ray Bradbury, Inspiring Generations

Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, The Martian Chronicles, The Illustrated Man and so many other favorite science fiction stories and books, passed away last night at age 91. I first met Ray on the floor of the ABA, the American Booksellers Association annual convention, now known and currently in full swing in New York as Book Expo America. He was signing books and invited us to sit and chat.

A few years later Gibbs Smith and I worked with Ray and his long time agent Don Congdon to publish a couple of books about cats and dogs. He loved animals, particularly cats. I remember a phone conversation I had with Ray one morning as we discussed his books. He wasn’t really interested in discussing the titles, the marketing, sales objectives, deadlines, or the litany of author agendas I normally encountered.

Instead he talked about comic books and how they were ruining the minds of today’s youth. “What dribble,” he said. “They require no imagination.” He then brought up Fahrenheit 451 and that it had recently been optioned by Mel Gibson. “Hollywood has ruined that book before and they’re set on ruining it again,” he lamented. “Perhaps this time it will be better. Mel says he’ll be in it.”

Ray then said that the only good film anyone had made of his books was The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit staring Sid Caesar and Esai Morales.”It’s s story about a man who dreams of buying a gorgeous, white suit in a nearby store. He doesn’t have the money so he convinces four other people of the same size to go in on it with him, each paying $20,” Ray said. “They each get to wear the suit for one hour. But the suit is no ordinary suit. It fulfills the wishes of each wearer.” He paused. “I love that movie.”

In celebration of Ray’s life, Familius recommends a full rereading of Fahrenheit 451 and an appreciation of literature. It opens the mind, enlarges our understanding, and builds tolerance. Ray wanted us to read words and use our imagination. We also recommend his favorite movie, The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit. Watch it with someone you love and consider your own dreams and wishes. Perhaps, with a little magic they can come true.

“I spent three days a week for 10 years educating myself in the public library, and it's better than college. People should educate themselves - you can get a complete education for no money. At the end of 10 years, I had read every book in the library and I'd written a thousand stories.” —Ray Bradbury

What if We All Lived the Scout Law?

Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell served in the British Army from 1876 until 1910. His service stretched from Africa to India to Great Britain and included success during the second Boer War in South Africa. He wrote a number of military reconnaissance and scout books. Realizing that his books were read by English boys, Baden-Powell wrote Scouting for Boys and in 1907 held the first Brownsea Island Scout camp.

Baden-Powell and these two significant events are considered the beginnings of the Boy Scout program. Officially founded in 1910, the scouting movement has become a global organization for young men ages seven-and-a-half to eighteen years old.

This weekend we dropped our third son off at Camp Bartlett, a summer Scout camp in Southern Idaho, to be a camp counselor. For two and a half months, he will work with twelve- to fourteen-year-olds to teach scouting skills, including nature study, environmental science, reptile and amphibian study and woodcraft skills. He’ll sleep in a surplus U.S. Army tent (circa 1942) and work all day, every day, except Sunday. The point of this (his own idea, by the way) is to have fun. And in having fun, he’ll learn leadership skills, develop life-long friendships, and begin the process of learning to live without the support of his parents. Hopefully, he’ll succeed.

What is most important is that he is to exemplify and teach the Scout Law: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

There are nearly two million young men in the United States today with the mandate to live this law.

If throughout the world each generation, each father, each parent, each family were to live similarly, what a different world this would be.

“The most worth-while thing is to try to put happiness into the lives of others.” —Sir Robert Baden Powell 

What Kind of Companion Do You Want?

On June 5, 1980 I boarded a DC10 out of Salt Lake City, Utah, to Hawaii. I was twelve years old. Accompanying me was my 92-year-old, widowed grandfather. As we walked together down the Jetway, I heard my mother say, “That’s the blind leading the blind.”

The Christmas before I had written my grandfather a note that said before he died I wanted to go to Hawaii with him. Why I had done this I have no idea but I think I believed our time was short together. He was my best friend.

He was born in 1888 to a Danish immigrant and an American chef who could only sign his name with an “X.” His education lasted only to the fifth grade when he had to begin work to support his family. He became a small entrepreneur and lived through the global flu epidemic, saw the invention of the automobile and the airplane, survived two world wars, experienced the Great Depression, and eloped with the daughter of a well-to-do aristocratic pioneer family.

He never stopped learning and could be heard in his bedroom at age 88 studying Greek from old records.

In the spring of 1980 he sold two small diamonds he had in a safe and purchased a trip to Hawaii for the two of us. Surrounded by those thirty to forty years older than I was and thirty to forty years younger than he was, we hopped from island to island, drank virgin pina coladas, watched slim girls in bikinis tan themselves, ate like kings, walked the sandy beaches, and visited landmarks.

One night he asked me what kind of woman I wanted to marry. I said, “A pretty one.”

He said yes, that was fine and would be nice, but what else did I want in a wife. I was twelve. What else was there? I hadn’t grown old enough to consider breast size. Money wasn’t a big deal. Education? School had just ended and was the furthest thing from my mind. A dowry? I didn’t know what that was.

He let me think and then began to teach me about what mattered in a relationship. He taught me about kindness, giving, the importance of patience, strength, character, and motherhood. He talked about his late wife and told me how much he missed her and how she had made him a better man. He told me of his regrets and what he would do differently. He told me about love. He cautioned me to marry someone who would challenge me to be better than I was and to make sure I treated her like a queen.

He continued to bring up similar topics on Oahu, Kawaii, Molokai, Maui, all the islands. In two short weeks, between his Mai Tais during Happy Hour, he gave me a Master's course in what to look for in a companion. Again, I was twelve. It all went over my head. But some conversations stay with you. This one did.

We returned home June 19^thsafe and sound and much to the relief of my mother. It was an epic adventure. He died six years later, undressing for the night in his apartment. He never got to see my bride and the family that we are raising. However, I think he’d be proud. I believe he might even think about those quiet nights, overlooking the Pacific Ocean thirty-two years ago and say, “Well, look at that. He listened.”

I did. Thanks, Grandpa.

"Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild." --Welsh Proverb

P"Perfect love sometimes does not come until 

What Do You Do on Mondays?

Today is Monday, the start of a new week. While many are thinking about their second quarter financials, their Monday meetings, the list of responsibilities that will inevitably grow longer, the fact that school is out and what on earth do we do with the children during the break, think about the opportunities that exist to improve your family life.

1. Write a note to your spouse, child, or parent letting them know why you love and appreciate them. Not just that you love and appreciate them, but why. Be specific;
2. Buy dinner on your way home, light candles and remind everyone that Mondays are great days to say “Thank you” to those you love the most;
3. Make Monday a special night, a family night, a night where you gather for an hour and read, play games, or dance to your favorite music—even if the neighbors can see in the window;
4. Kiss each person in your family three times in a row; and
5. Call your mom if living and thank her for the gift of life. If passed away, thank her anyway. . . she’ll hear you.

"A family in harmony will prosper in everything."  --Chinese proverb

Never Give Up.

Men are odd creatures. They struggle to remember their children's names, their anniversary, and other important events. Yet, they can recall exactly where they were and what they were doing when some significant sporting event occurred. For me, it was March 1983. All morning I had played basketball with my friend Mike Metcalf in preparation for the NCAA men's championship game between NC State and Houston's Phi Slamma Jamma, a seemingly unbeatable team featuring future NBA Hall of Fame players Clyde "The Glide" Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwan.

NC State was tremendously overmatched. Houston was on a 26-game winning streak and seemed to dunk at will. However, in the final seconds the teams were tied 52 - 52. NC State had the ball. From the left side of the circle, NC State's Derreck Wittenburg shot the ball. With time winding down, it was a panic shot and fell short. 

From out of nowhere and with no one around him, NC State player Charles Lorenzo caught the missed shot and dunked it, lifting NC State to their first title since 1974. It was a miraculous finish and improbable outcome. 

We screamed and hollered and watched as legendary coach Jimmy Valvano rushed the court, running around, arms outstretched looking for someone to hug. This was my first introduction to a coach who changed people's lives. He once quoted Vince Lombardi to his players in the locker room, screaming, "Remember, God, Family. . . and the Green Bay Packers." He had meant to say "NC State Wolfpack," but got caught up in the moment. He was truly motivational and focused on what was important in life.  Valano was one of those rare individuals who always expressed gratitude, joy and a spirit of selfless giving.

In June of 1992 he was diagnosed with bone cancer. Less than a year later Jimmy V, as he was called, was dead and the world lost a rare individual.

A short eight weeks before he died ESPN awarded him the inaugural Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award at the ESPY Awards. His acceptance speech became famous, for he said, "Never give up. Failure and rejections are only the first steps to succeeding."

We hope that you’ll be inspired by his full acceptance award speech and celebrate the life you have today and every day with your family.

“I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get your emotions going.” —Jimmy V

Do Children Make Parents Miserable or Happy? Yes.

In 2010 journalist Jennifer Senior wrote an article in New York Magazine that explored research suggesting, “parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so.” The article was backed by creditable statistics and research. Obviously, it was controversial and hotly contested.

Yesterday the New York Times ran a story about two college professors, Chris M. Herbst and John Ifcher, who are challenging that earlier assumption, reporting, “Being a parent . . . really does make people happier than the alternative.”

And Global News reported on three additional studies from Stanford, the University of California, Riverside, and the University of British Columbia who have collaborated on a paper titled, ‘In Defense of Parenthood: Children Are Associated With More Joy Than Misery.’

What’s the real story? I can only speak for myself, having had no children at one point and then having in subsequent order one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and then nine (we skipped eight except for the four minutes between the two twins).

I agree with Jennifer Senior that children can truly make one’s day, week, month, year and even decade miserable. My wife and I certainly weren’t happy to clean up projectile vomit over twenty years or change approximately 36,000 diapers (Cost? $20,000 give or take a couple of grand).  We were also not happy when our children lied to us about critical events in their lives. We weren’t happy when we had to increase car insurance costs for collisions. We were actually quite miserable when we had to hold children down in hospital chairs to have their bones reset or have gashes stitched shut.

No, we weren’t thrilled when our friends were vacationing in Hawaii or rafting down the Grand Canyon and we were rocking twins all night long because they had ear infections, and those nights went on for days, weeks and months until we literally collapsed from exhaustion and a neighbor came in and did our laundry.

Also, nothing is quite as painful as when a child, during a ridiculous argument says, “I hate you!”And, for those of you who say, “Don’t take it personally,” believe me, they mean it when they say it.

And, if a child dies . . . no words can convey the sadness, grief and pain you experience. And you always wonder, what might have been.

However, children have also given us tremendous joy. That first breath is a miracle. That first smile, their first steps, their first words, their first drawing, their first bike, their first day of school, their first discovery of butterflies are all magical moments. When they learn to write and read and discover books it is simply amazing. When children hug you and say they love you, it softens your heart. Their unbridled joy at jumping through sprinklers or running through fields of tall grass with their arms outstretched like wings is a joy to behold.

And when they grow up and discover for themselves that they can think, and act, and work, and live, and decide, and change the world, it is wonderful.

Yes, having children is painful and we agree that you can, at times, be less than happy compared to your friends who are childless. But for me, having children has been the most important educational experience I could ever have hoped for. I’ve learned to love and give and share and teach and listen and play and sing and rejoice in what they bring. Children reopen a world we once had and somewhere lost along the way during our transition to adulthood.

So, I think both studies are correct. Each couple who has the ability to have children has their own agency to choose what life they want—one with children or one without. My wife and I chose to have children and it’s been an infinitely blessed experience, misery and joy, grief and laughter. All the above.

“One of the great discoveries of parenthood is that we learn far more about what really matters from our children than we ever did from our parents.” —Boyd Packer