Familius

Announcing Lessons From My Parents Book Project

Did you ever experience a moment with your mother or father that changed your life, a lesson that influenced all other decisions and helped you become who you are today? At Familius we hear about these stories all the time and have launched a new, crowdsourced book project to celebrate these moments and share these lessons. 

Five Ways to Develop Patience

It is difficult to develop patience. In our age of immediate gratification, whether to learn something new from Google or find a recipe from a southern Indian province, we can experience it all in seconds. Our culture seems to work against developing this essential attribute, but patience has long been considered a virtue in every culture. Michelangelo said, “Genius is eternal patience” and Aristotle said, “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” How does one cultivate patience in a society that rewards immediacy, now?

1.      Important vs. Not Important: Steven R. Covey in his seminal and best-selling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People suggests we focus on first things first. In a very empirical and clinical way Covey divides important and urgent issues into a 2x2 quadrant matrix with Not Important and Important on the left axis and Urgent and Not Urgent on the right axis. He suggests that while exercise is important a crying baby can be both urgent and important. By consciously identifying what is important verses not important and what is urgent versus what is not urgent we can gain more control over our life.

2.      Stress Triggers and Patterns: We learn in statistics that everything regresses to the mean. This is true with our own lives as well. We default to certain behaviors given certain circumstances. If we can identify triggers that challenge our patience and patterns that lead to our frustration, we can then focus on changing those triggers. Impatience is often a symptom of other issues. Solve the issues and miraculously you’ll develop more patience.

3.      The Fiction of Control: While working to solve underlying issues can improve our patience level, not everything can be so controlled. In fact, the more experience you have the more you realize that we have far less control than we think we do. By admitting where we have influence but no control, we can let go of those issues that waste our time and our energy. And by gaining more time and energy, again, miraculously, we gain more patience.

4.      Breathe: When my grandfather was ninety-eight, he asked a group of middle-aged men if they wanted to know how to live to be one hundred. They all answered yes. He paused, looked thoughtful and then said, “Keep breathing.” The first thing most people do when stressed is hold their breath. Dr. Ben Bernstein in his book Test Success! How to Be Calm, Confident & Focused on Any Test says that stress creates a physiological response—the body thinks it’s dying. This leads to a vicious cycle: no breath, dying, more stress, no breath, dying, more stress. . . So, if you want to gain more patience, remember to breathe. Dr. B., as he’s known to his students, suggests that we take a deep cleansing breath when stressed and let it out slowly. Repeat three times or until you feel your stress level subsiding.

5.      Keep a Journal: Writing about our feelings has long been a method of recording triggers, patterns, exploring where we have control and where we don’t and identifying what frustrates us. Recording our feelings in a journal has a way of uncovering what we’ve been exploring subconsciously. By keeping a journal, not only do you record history and memories, but you also positively deal with issues that affect your patience. While keeping a journal is powerful, adding an element of gratitude has a profound way of influencing your point of view. And having a positive and grateful point of view has a tremendous influence on your patience.

“If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”

—A.A. Milne 

The Ramifications of Root Beer

Last week we shared that during an argument with our seventeen year old son, I threw my root beer at him. This post created quite a stir. First, for those of you who were concerned that I had thrown glass and all at him, I assure you only the liquid went airborne.

I ended the post asking what would a perfect father have done? A number of recommendations soon followed. A few that we think are relevant whether we’re frustrated with someone at work or at home follow.

1.      “Teenagers are JERKS!” Yes, this is at times true, but no reason to throw root beer.

2.      “Tell him that you are done talking and leave the room.” Yes, a very good idea—to remove yourself from the situation. But what if he keeps following you?

3.      “Leave the room and then during a quiet moment (assuming that families have quiet moments) have a short, private conversation with him saying in effect, ‘I lost my cool in that situation. I’m going to find better ways of dealing with my stress.’” This is a good model for a parent and we’re wondering if those sumo suits can be rented at a moment’s notice for stress-releasing wrestling matches.

4.      Do a personal evaluation of your schedule and say, “I’ve been a bit too busy lately and this has helped cause me to act in ways I don’t like. So, I’ve made some changes in my schedule.” Again, having too much to do adds stress and can make it difficult to maintain the composure required from a leader, whether parent or manager. Focusing on first things first is always a good idea.

5.      Set ground rules for the dinner table or whatever table you have. Eating together as a family is supposed to be a good experience for everyone, so it is not a free for all. Say, “No bickering and fighting is allowed. If I hear bickering and fighting, you will be given a warning to stop the bickering or you will be excused, regardless of who started it.” Consistency is paramount so ground rules are important to understand. But, what do you do if the offender refuses to leave the table?

6.      “And by the way, don’t talk back to your mother.” As my oldest son said last week to his younger brother, “Your mom pushed you out of her vagina. You should treat her better.” 

Don't Give Up

“My dear young cousin, if there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it.” 

― Rick Riordan 

Marketing Sins or Human Failings?

Familius continues to be fascinated with the constant correlation between Seth Godin's views on marketing and the principles of happy family life. So many of the challenges people face in their personal lives are tied to their impatience and selfishness. Consider Seth's views on marketing and think about your family relationships. Are you guilty of any of Seth's marketing sins? If so, what will you do? 

See Seth's full blog including an interview on these issues here: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2012/06/seven-marketing-sins.html

Happy Father's Day, Dude!

Today's Father's Day blog is by Hugh Weber, aka Mr. Dude and author of the Dude to Dad website. Hugh Weber started DudetoDad.com as a genuine cry for help from an ordinary dude who wanted to be an extraordinary dad. He is currently in the third year of his Dude to Dad transition and lives in the OTA states with Mrs Dude, his daughter Emerson and an imaginary friend named Sally. He is the author of Dude to Dad, forthcoming from Familius.

I’m an unusual Dad. I choose to recognize each Father’s Day as a sort of celebration of my own survival.

You see this is not my first rodeo. But, I do remember when it was.

While I was making the transition from dude to dad, a friend suggested to me that parenting was like riding a bull—if you don’t pay attention and commit fully, you’re going to get trampled.

I had this vision of a couple rough weeks. It would take time. I would get my bumps and bruises. I’m only human after all. But when I ”figured out” parenting and my daughter, I’d be a professional and life would get back to normal.

What I didn’t consider about bull riding or parenting is that you usually don’t get the luxury of riding the same bull twice. Each bull comes with its own unique enthusiasm for tossing you on the dirt and stepping on your chest. One week you’re riding Smackdown, the next week you draw Bushwacker. (Note: Bushwacker is a real bull with a “buck-off  %” of 100 %. Wowza.) This is why 8 seconds of riding is considered a successful effort.

For a parent, it might mean that one week you draw Pink Eye or Potty Training and the next week you get Pertussis or Bulging Fontanelle (which would actually make a great name for a bull!) Each has a way of reminding you how little you know and that the little you do know really doesn’t matter.

So, what’s there to celebrate? Whether this is your 20^thFather’s Day or you’re just preparing for your first, I hope you’ll take the time to celebrate the 8-second experiences.

Celebrate those moments of pride when the little thing you did made all the difference. But, also celebrate those times you ended up on the ground. Celebrate the confidence and wisdom that comes with falling down as a father.  Repeatedly. Celebrate the understanding and patience that comes with knowing that you’ll never have your kids “figured out.” Nor would you want to (where’s the fun in that?) Celebrate the fact that committing fully and paying attention is sometimes the most important thing you can do.

What doesn’t kill you, in bull riding or parenting, probably won’t make you stronger, but I believe that it will prepare you for the ride that lies ahead.

Through the Lens of a Couple's Wanderlust

Today’s Guest blog is by Colleen Smith and Wayne Bingham, a husband and wife photography and author team who have written a number of books on straw bale and natural timber frame building. They live in Salt Lake City and enjoy their own straw bale, timber frame home at the base of the Tetons in Idaho.  Their photography can be found at www.imagesofplace.com.

Colleen and I both had cameras and enjoyed photography before we were married in 1985.  Then mine went away and we began sharing hers.  “I see something I would like to photograph, may I use your camera?”  We both were seeing exciting possibilities and were handing the camera back and forth.  We recognized the desirability of both having a camera of our own and when financial capability allowed we bought another. 

We photographed family and places we visited on short vacations from work and work related travel until 1999 when our interest in straw bale building took us to Rhodes, Greece to assist in a straw bale workshop.  We made many images while in Greece.  Each day provided photographic opportunities that we captured and went home with a few thousand slides, unseen until developed on our return. 

We learned that the difference between good photographers and the best photographers is the size of their wastebasket.  Better photographers edit ruthlessly, showing only their best images.

The next summer we spent a month in Great Britain exploring and photographing small villages.  We followed that with a return to Greece in the fall, combining two weeks to sail among the Greek Islands from Athens to Rhodes with two weeks working again on the straw bale house. The two week sail provided a rich opportunity for morning and evening photography on the islands during the best times for photography.

We also took a month long journey to Italy focusing on the villages of Umbria and Tuscany in 2001.

The next four years we put our foreign travel on hold while we built our own straw bale home in Eastern Idaho at the base of the Teton Mountains and coauthored three books on straw bale design and construction.  Photography for the books was demanding, as we had to be at the right place at the right time for best light.  We bought our first digital cameras and found ourselves capturing the ever-evolving moods of the place we were building, sunrises, the majesty of the Tetons at sunset, a 100-year-old homestead, the forest, clouds as well as Grand Teton and Yellowstone National parks.

Then the travel bug hit again.  We chose the shoulder seasons of spring and fall to travel because these times present the best first greening of vegetation and the autumn colors.  We followed the pattern we previously developed, when traveling abroad we would spend a full month because it allowed us an opportunity to explore more in depth at our leisure. 

We photographed on our own in Burgundy, France for two weeks before going to a photographic workshop in the Dordogne, France area with renowned British landscape photographer Charlie Waite.  He assisted us in developing our eyes to see more and our camera techniques to better capture what we visualized. 

We explored the National Parks in our own neck of the woods: Yellowstone, Arches, Bryce, Yosemite, Death Valley, Grand Canyon, Glacier and Zion. 

What started as a pleasant hobby has become an abiding passion that we share—exploring and capturing images of the beauty of the earth.  We discuss potential places to go.  Colleen suggested Nova Scotia. That hadn’t been on my radar.  It turned out to be one of the best adventures we have had.  We research potential places with books, movies, Internet information, discussing specific locations and images we want to explore.  We have found that travel includes selection, research, anticipation, the experience itself while capturing images, then editing and sharing them. 

When we review our photographs together we are continually astounded and delighted to see another prospect that escaped our own view.  We see and interpret experiences differently, and this continually reinforces the respect for one another’s unique perspective.  When we have finished editing and print, make personal books or publish to our website we find that about are half are by Colleen and half are by Wayne.

We enjoy sharing this passion for photography and travel and it strengthens our relationships, commitments and respect for each other.  We are continually encouraging each other in developing our own unique style of seeing.

The Robins Hatched

A few weeks ago, we posted that a robin had made a nest in one of our hanging flower baskets. An odd place to build a nest but very beautiful, surrounded by Petunias. 

Those small, blue eggs hatched and the baby birds are now growing rapidly, voracious eaters, and still wonderful office neighbors. It's amazing to watch the mother robin spend her entire day working for insects, grubs and worms to feed her ever-hungry hatchlings. 

As parents, we do the same thing--work to feed, work to clothe, work to shelter, work to educate. . . 

The mother robin at times perches on a small tree close by, watching her nest, and looking around the neighborhood. She closes her eyes and basks in the sun, soaking in the warm morning rays and I think that she must enjoy those small moments of solitude. 

It's ok to take time for yourself. Recharge your spirit and enjoy what you love to enjoy. 

“There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.” —Peter De Vries

Sharing Your Anniversary as a Family?

Today's guest blog is by Stephanie Porter (Queen Scarlett) who is currently celebrating her 10th wedding anniversary with her husband and two daughters in Europe. She is the author of A Familiy Lives Here: How to Live Happily in Organized Chaos, forthcoming from Familius. 

When people realized we planned to bring our daughters, they wondered if it was the right choice for an anniversary celebration. Our answer is two-fold. First, there really isn't anyone we trust to leave our girls with for any period of time. Second, we love sharing adventures as a family, we've grown accustomed to it out of necessity, and after all, our marriage wouldn't be as wonderful without our daughters.

We will embark on our Mediterranean cruise June 15th. We've discovered that unpacking once, and having the convenience of a kids center, entertainment, food, amenities in one place, works wonders for a relaxing vacation. Right now we're enjoying a couple days exploring the mysterious, chic, romantic city of Barcelona. I recently fell in love with this city from afar after reading The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón. 

Tomorrow we visit La Sagrada Familia, a Roman Catholic church designed by Gaudí. The construction on the church began in 1882, but Gaudí didn't get involved until a year later. Gaudí lived the last of his years working on this church, and in 1926 when he died, it was barely a quarter finished. It is still under construction.

A Little Lamb

Last week my aunt passed away. She was 85 and had suffered from Alzheimer's for nearly ten years. Alzheimer's is a cruel disease. One of her thirteen children would visit her each day to carefully feed her and to visit with her. There came a day when she no longer recognized them. That is a difficult day, when your own mother no longer knows who you are and the hope of being comforted by her is gone, even though she's still there. 

But that's not this story. This story is about the time her children's pet lambs escaped into the neighbor's yard, found their way into the house, and played in the living room, leaving a trail of lamp droppings on the brand new, white carpet. 

The neighbor called in an absolute fit and demanded retribution. My aunt agreed, and the lambs disappeared the next day, with my aunt explaining to her children that the neighbor had called animal control and the lambs were taken away.

Each Sunday for a few months my aunt and her family would gather for dinner and repeat the sad tale of their lambs and how their neighbor was so cruel and unkind. 

Ten years passed and the story continued, until one Sunday my aunt confessed what had really happened. It was true that the two lambs had entered the home and made a mess in the living room on the new carpet. That is where the truth ends. No animal control was called.

Instead, my aunt took both lambs to the butcher and had them slaughtered, cut up, and wrapped. She then gave one lamb to her neighbor and took the other lamb home and prepared it for Sunday dinner for about two months. 

She laughed until she cried as she told this story to her shocked, adult, and disbelieving children. 

But, of course, her children had the last word. And at her funeral what did they share that became my aunt's legacy? That after raising thirteen children and five foster children, a time capsule was opened from her second grade class. In it was a piece of paper from each child that told what they wanted to be when they grew up--a teacher, a movie star, a professional baseball player. My aunt's? It said, "A mother." 

Her three daughters closed the funeral by saying that their mother had taught them that there was no greater job in all the world than that of being a mother.

“The phrase "working mother" is redundant.”  —Jane Sellman