31
AUG, 2012

An Animal Always Dies With His Feet In The Air

Today's guest blog is the first part of a three part series, written by Celia Jones as part of the Lessons From My Parents crowdsourced project. We invite you to continue participating by submitting a short essay and sharing this project with your circle of influence. Thank you. 

 

A comet-shaped scar bisected her chubby left cheek, but since Mama didn't talk about it, we hardly noticed it. Her large sparkling hazel eyes and broad smile gave her face a comfortable look. One time, I did ask her about the scar, and she told me in a heavily-accented, but clear matter-of-fact voice: “In Poland, I was enjoying visiting a Jewish farming couple. We was living all cramped up in a small house in the city, and I loved being in the country. They were such a nice couple who took good care of me. When I was running across the field, their neighbor, an old anti-Semitic farmer, was watching. He must have thought I was the Jewish farmer’s wife because she was also small. Well, he shot me in the face. So, that's what happened. I was lucky the bullet didn't go through, just grazed my cheek. Not long after that, they found the couple shot dead. I don't think anything happened to the neighbor.” This story was my first lesson in social injustice

As a child in upstate New York, I felt embarrassed that my mother had an accent and a different ethnic background than my friends’ mothers. I preferred the immaculately groomed Waspish mothers of TV family sitcoms who didn’t have to work as hotel chambermaids. Yet, I was also grateful that Mama was much warmer and more huggable than the pale, thin blond mothers of “Leave it to Beaver” and “Dennis the Menace”. Being able to cuddle up to her soft, snoring body, inhale her doughy smell and play with her black curls during an afternoon nap had taught me about the depth of real motherly love.

Mama expressed her views on life in her Yiddish sayings that she’d translate: “An animal always dies with his feet in the air.” I was not sure exactly what she meant by this, probably that death usually takes us by surprise, and we should cherish every day, rather than look too deeply for reasons for our existence. Mama taught me to enjoy life’s simple pleasures such as drives in the country and picnics in the California Napa Valley, where our family spent many summer days swimming in the hot mineral baths of Calistoga. She and Daddy perched like two fat love birds at the side of the pool, munching mountains of Mama’s roast chicken, crusty, jawbreaker bread rolls and juicy watermelon slices. My father would always be the extroverted one who struck up conversations with the other bathers, while my mother sat quietly listening.

At home, Mama became very talkative and chirped away incessantly about all kinds of trivia, with special focus on the shopping bargains and recipes she found.

In a crowd, however, Mama’s nature was retiring; she preferred to be an unobtrusive, but keen observer. 

 

Part two will appear in tomorrow's blog post. 

30
AUG, 2012

The Grey Divorce Phenomenon

 

The Gray Divorce Phenomenon (divorce among those 50 years old and older) provides a cautionary lesson for every couple entering retirement. While overall national divorce rates have declined since spiking in the 1980s, gray divorce has risen to its highest level on record. In 1990 only 1 in10 people who got divorced was 50 or older, by 2009 the number was roughly 1 in 4. More than 600,000 people ages 50 and older got divorced in 2009.

According to The Wall Street Journal’s March 3, 2012 article about gray divorce, based on current trends, this number is predicted to top 800,000 by 2030. With Americans staying healthier longer and living longer, the retirement years are stretched out, giving couples more time together. Among many couples, retirement often creates friction, weakening even the strongest ties. The increased togetherness exacerbates existing problems, bringing tension bubbling to the surface. Without child-raising duties and demanding job responsibilities to provide distraction, structure, and escape, people are more vulnerable to conflict. There is no longer a way to ignore or avoid addressing long-term unresolved issues as well as newly created issues. Many retirees refuse to settle for retirement filled with marital discord.

According to Deirdre Bair, author of Calling It Quits; Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over, a chronicle of nearly 400 interviews with people getting divorced in midlife, boomers in unhappy marriages often look at each other and think: “I may have another 25 to 35 years to live. Do I want to spend it with this person?” They have an urgent feeling to get divorced now or they’ll never have the chance again. Indeed, the divorce rate among Americans older than 65 grew from 6.7 percent in March 2000 to 9.7 percent in 2009, according to US Census figures . . .  

Marital bliss in retirement is the goal of this book, and to achieve it, you and your partner need to look at all your options rather than focus on the traditional measures of retirement happiness . . . My goal is to help retirees find a way to live together happily ever after, recognizing that how people interpret that phrase may have changed a bit. Most people are searching for the right mix of money with meaning, of profits with purpose, of using their many experiences in ways that aren’t just contained in photo albums but are significant and memorable. In other words, they seek an intersection of continued income, with purpose and impact, something they will be remembered for.

—From A Couple’s Guide to Happy Retirement by Sara Yogev, forthcoming in September from Familius

 

Baby Boomers �Boom� Out of Marriage
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29
AUG, 2012

How to Improve a Family's Finances

For any father or mother one of the most significant issues in their lives is money. For most breadwinners, they, at least partly or for some in total, define themselves by the amount of money they earn and how well they can provide for their families.

Statistics suggest that once a family is able to provide for its basic food, shelter and educational needs, its level of happiness does not change with the amount of money the breadwinner earns.

However, we are at a turning point in our history, as the ability for a family to provide for its basic needs is significantly challenged. This graph from the Pew Research Report shows how the US built the greatest middle-class economic engine in the world, only to see it destroyed. Looking at the data, the situation is escalating and appears severe.

Familius contends that a diverse and robust global economy is predicated on government’s responsibility to promote life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. While the ingredients to this list of objectives are varied and many, one solution to our current inverted economy and inherent in the pursuit of happiness is to treat education not as a social issue (which it is) but as an economic issue. Invest in education and you’ll find that a more talented, educated, and skilled labor force provides more fuel to an economy than social programs alone will provide.

Until the government, the parents, the teachers, and the students take full responsibility and decide that education is an economic priority to preserve the American way of life, there will be continued downward pressure on the middle-class, and eventually all classes—simply reference The Rise and Decline of the Roman Empire by  Edward Gibbon.  

“think like an immigrant. . . act like an artisan. . . . An average performance is not going to return average wages.” —Thomas Friedman

28
AUG, 2012

Once In A Blue Moon

 

On July 20 1969, my mother lay in a labor and delivery room in New Jersey waiting to give birth to her first child, my big brother. As she tells it, her doctor had a television carried into the room and placed on the sink. Two stethoscopes were wrapped around the television and positioned to create an antenna. The doctor told my mother they would watch the landing and then deliver my brother. Mom recalls that her doctor was absolutely not going to miss the lunar landing. Apparently my brother was cooperative and waited as Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon’s surface and uttered those famous words, “That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” My mom loves to tell this story and I love to have this small connection to an event that is bigger and more wonderful than almost any other in known history.

Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, passed away Saturday. His family has given those who wish to remember him an invitation to, “Honor his example of service, accomplishment and modesty, and the next time you walk outside on a clear night and see the moon smiling down at you, think of Neil Armstrong and give him a wink.”

This August 31 offers a unique opportunity to do just that on a special moon, a blue moon, which happens only once every 2 or 3 years. There are varying definitions for a blue moon, the most common being a month in which there are two full moons. In August 2012 we have just that, the first full moon was August 1st and the second is right around the corner on August 31. A special moon, a unique American hero, and my big brother. I’ll remember them all as I wink at the moon on the 31st.

Thank you to Neil Armstrong for a wonderful example of the right kind of hero. 

The Mater Familius

“I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.” —Neil Armstrong

27
AUG, 2012

Go Do Something Productive

 

Today's Guest bog is from Krista Graham of New Hampshire and from the Lessons From My Parents crowdsourced book project. We invite you to share this project with your family and friends as we collect the meaningful life lessons that we all experience. 

Parents often say to their bored children, “Go find something to do.” The children, obediently, do just that – usually by turning on a television, computer, or video game. As this scenario played out in my own home recently, it dawned on me that my mother never told us kids to “go find something to do.” Instead, she would say, “Go do something productive.” I suddenly realized that the subtle difference between those two commands accounts for the kind of person that I am today.

When I was a child, we had a massive, six-volume set of children's fairy tales and folklore. Almost daily, my mother would read to us from this collection. If she allowed me to choose the story, I would always ask for “The Little Man as Big as Your Thumb with Moustaches Seven Miles Long.” It was a gruesome story about an angry little elf that gets what is coming to him in the end. My sister's favorite story was “Snow White and Rose Red”—a romantic story about two kind sisters, their good-hearted mother, and an enchanted prince. Once in a while, we girls would agree to let my mother choose the story. Given the chance, she invariably chose, “Elsa and the Ten Little Elves.”

In a gorgeous blend of moralizing and magic, "Elsa and the Ten Little Elves" told of an idle, useless little girl who learned from ten little elves the value and delight of hard work. In the end, the ten little elves jumped into Elsa's hands and she discovered that the elves were indeed her own fingers, capable of doing far more than she had imagined. My mother delighted in this simple story because it extolled the very thing she loved most: the work of her hands.

My mother's hands were never idle, but they were also not simple busy. They were productive. Whenever her hands moved, they accomplished or created something. When I was very young, my mother's hands kept our house clean and organized and put healthy, home-made meals on our table. They gardened and canned. They also made everything from lampshades to candles, macramé to soaps. There was no limit to what my mother's hands could produce.

As I got older, I saw my mother's hands create and develop a thriving home business which earned enough income to put several of us kids through a decade of private schooling. When my mother's five children were grown, she went back to college and finished her degree. Throughout her fifties and into her sixties, she taught high school maths and sciences and made an impact on the lives of dozens of teens.

From observing my mother's life, I've learned something that has shaped my own perspective and choices. I've learned there is a big difference between being busy and being productive. I've learned that busy people are frazzled, stressed out, and unfulfilled – whereas productive people are focused, directed, and satisfied with the work of their hands. I've learned that busy people may kill time, but productive people redeem it.

As I write this, at the age of forty one, I have five children between the ages of eleven and twenty. Last year I finished my B. S. in Education, and now I am enrolled in graduate school. I am hoping to start a career teaching English in a community college right around the time my youngest enters high school. My friends' lives are slowing down and simplifying. They are mystified as to why I would start so many new things now, at the mid-point of my life, when I could be settling back to relax and enjoy the fruits of my first four decades of labor. To explain, I can only point to Elsa. The ten little elves are clamoring – not out of compulsion but out of delight—eager to see what they can accomplish with each new day. When I awake in the morning, thanks to my mother, I greet them:

“Let's go do something productive,” I say. 

25
AUG, 2012

How to Take a Hint

 

“The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended—and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended.”

—Robert Frost

24
AUG, 2012

Happy Anniversary!

 

Today is the Pater and Mater’s wedding anniversary. Twenty-two years ago, she said yes and across an altar we made vows and promises with God and with each other that we’d be full partners in this life and hopefully in the hereafter.

Mater says that on our wedding night I said I wanted nine children, six boys and three girls. The Pater thinks that’s a convenient way to help an overwhelmed father of nine children, six boys and three girls, think that he had something to do with this parenting journey. What’s clear to me is that no sane man who was looking forward to sleeping with his new wife would ever say that he wanted to have nine children. Really, discretion is the better part of valor. How she connived to get six boys and three girls is beyond me.

What today’s blog is about, however, is partnership and friendship. The mater is my best friend and forever will be. That is how it should be when a husband and wife agree to leave family and friends and be one. The mater is also my partner. We are equal, joined together through covenant, vow, promise, blood, sweat, tears, laugher, joy, tragedy, and triumph. Without her I am less than half of what I could be; with her I am far more than I ever imagined.

I am grateful for that day twenty-two years ago when she said, “Yes.” I am grateful that she loves me and that she sustains me in my role as husband, father, and man. I am grateful that the mater has made my life far more beautiful and exciting than it ever would have been without her.

Whether today is an anniversary or not, if you have someone you love, make sure they know that you are grateful for their priceless contribution to your life.

Happy Anniversary! 

“There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.” —Martin Luther 

23
AUG, 2012

Parents, Obey Your Children

“The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.” --King Edward VIII

22
AUG, 2012

When Children Need You

 

While walking to my flight this week I saw a father with his young daughter hurrying to obviously catch their connecting flight. The daughter was probably five or six years old. When she reached the escalator she paused, afraid to step on the moving belt. The father had moved on, unaware that his daughter was not beside him.

She called him, “Daddy!” and held out her arms for help. He turned and instead of compassion, he said for all to hear, “You’ve got to be $%&*#$@ kidding me!” He then ran back grabbed her by her arm and dragged her onto the escalator.

I voiced what was inside: “She just wants to hold your hand.” He looked at me and moved on, daughter in tow.

There are moments when children need a reassuring hand. They need their father or mother, their older brother or sister to gently guide them when things are new and frightening. Far too soon, children grow up and their hands, once so willing and eager to hold yours, retract and disappear into their pocket as they protect themselves from life’s uncertainties.

When a hand is outstretched and reaching for you, when a small voice is calling for your attention and help, realize that this is a gift and your role as patient father, mother, mentor, coach, or teacher is paramount.

Be ready. Be gentle. Be patient.

“Never let a problem to be solved get in the way of a person to be loved.” —Thomas Monson 

21
AUG, 2012

Bring Back Dinner

 

I once attended a lecture by Pulitzer Prize winning author David Mccullough, the noted author of John Adams, 1776, The Johnstown Flood, and other works of historical importance. He mentioned that his greatest education had been at his family dinner table, where his father and mother, aunts and uncles debated the political events and issues of their time. The debates were heated, he said. They were passionate and always couched in the histories that each person had lived through. It was at these dinner conversations that he learned history and why it mattered.

He then paused and said that if we are to have a new generation of people learn to lead the world that they need to understand their history and the stories that make up that history.

He said, “Bring back dinner conversation.”

He then said, “Bring back dinner!”

What’s for dinner and is your family there to share and learn at this generational table?

 

“A nation that forgets its past can function no better than an individual with amnesia.” —David Mccullough

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