Familius

Then Pealed the Bells . . .

On March 14, 1863 Henry Wadsworth Longfellow received a letter from his son Charles who had joined the Union army as a soldier without his father’s blessing. “I have tried hard to resist the temptation of going without your leave, but I cannot any longer,” Charles wrote. “I feel it to be my first duty to do what I can for my country and I would willingly lay down my life for it if it would be of any good.”

A few months later, Charles was severely wounded in the Battle of New Hope Church in Virginia. Longfellow received this notice as he still mourned the recent and tragic death of his wife, who passed away in an accidental house fire. Longfellow was despondent and wondered at the awful events that surrounded him, his family, and the country at that time of civil war.

During this difficult time when all seemed lost he wrote the famous words,

I heard the bells on Christmas Day

Their Old Familiar Carols Play,

And wild and sweet

The words repeat

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And though how, as the day had come,

The belfries of all Christendom

Had rolled along

The unbroken song

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till ringing, singing on its way,

The world revolved from night to day,

A voice, a chime,

A chant sublime

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth

The cannon thundered in the South,

And with the sound

The carols drowned

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent

The hearth-stones of a continent,

And made forlorn

The households born

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair, I bowed my head:

“There is no peace on earth,” I said;

“For hate is strong,

And mocks the song

Of Peace on earth, good-will to men?”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The Wrong shall fail,

The Right prevail,

With peace on the earth, good will to men.”

During the most tragic moments in our history, bells peal loud and deep, promising that life continues, that hope beckons, that despair and suffering can turn to kindness and charity, and that evil and wickedness, while present in our lives, will always fail.

“When I despair, I remember that all through history, the way of truth and love has always won. There have been murderers and tyrants, and for a time they can seem invincible. But in the end they always fall. Think of it, always.”   —Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)

Mess Up? Fess Up.

One of the most important attributes of family success is to admit it when you are wrong.

Mess up? Fess up.

Then do your best to fix whatever you did. Some mistakes take a long time to fix while others can be solved rather quickly. The objective is to communicate your sincerity by your actions.

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” —L.M. Montgomery

Read more at Family Ever After

A Boy is Truth With Dirt on its Face

Our sixth son turned six years old this week. We named him Christian hoping that some of that might rub off on him. We’re not sure it will. He’s the kind of boy that tries his teacher’s patience and at one point had his own little place at the back of the class while his teachers taught the others.

What we have found with each of our children, including this one, is that each comes to us already possessed with their personality. They are already who they are and while you teach them and provide a good example and prepare them for the world, there’s not a lot you can do to change them. I find that to be miraculous.

Christian has been an adventure and promises to try our hearts and patience for years. He also promises to remind us of life to be lived, an abundant life, a life full of exploration and adventure, a life full of joy—the kind of joy Walt Whitman explained in “Leaves of Grass” as a “Barbaric Yawlp.”

Thank God for little boys. A life without them would be dull indeed.

“A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, beauty with a cut on its finger, wisdom with bubble gum in its hair, and the hope of the future with a frog in its pocket.” —Unknown

Family: A Social Unit

“Family:  A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” 

~Evan Esar

Hunting and Gathering

When you think you just can’t do one more thing to manage your family, consider that you don’t have to hunt and gather for your food with kids in tow.  

At these times, ordering pizza is a perfectly acceptable alternative to insanity. 

Raisin' Boys

A successful cattle rancher with a large family of sons was asked by his neighbor why he, with all his wealth, would continue to work so hard on a ranch that he clearly no longer needed to maintain his standard of living.

The rancher thought a moment and responded that the man didn’t understand what business he was in. “I’m raisin boys,” he said, “not cattle.”

“A little boy is the only thing God can use to make a man.” --Anonymous 

For more see Living in the Trenches: Successful Strategies from a Father of Nine

Braces

Some of my children wear braces. They get this from their mother. At some point, we decide that cosmetically or for medical reasons they need their teeth straight. Exams, X-rays, cement, wire, steel, and, magically, their teeth are shiny silver.

They complain each time the braces are tightened. And tightened. And tightened.

If you want straight teeth you either have to have great genetics or you have to endure a little discomfort. Teeth need correction.

So do we. Regardless of our age or station, if we wish to grow and improve—be straight—we need a little help. It’s uncomfortable when life tightens our braces and forces us into some situation we find uncomfortable.

But in the end we come out better than we were. And isn’t that the point?

For more see Living in the Trenches: Successful Strategies from a Father of Nine

Lift Our Burdens

In a scene in the film “Lincoln” by Steven Spielberg, Lincoln and his wife argue about their family. Mary argues about her grief caused by the death of their son. They argue about their oldest son’s wish to join the Union Army. They argue about the necessity of the 13^th Amendment to the Constitution. They argue about Mary’s sanity with her threatening that he’ll have to lock her away.

The viewer realizes that the argument is not one, but many, caused by the stress of the war, the premature death of their son, the overwhelming pressure Lincoln feels to pass the 13^th Amendment to abolish slavery, and Mary’s outward expression of grief, fear, and unforgiveness.

Lincoln says, “It’s too hard” and we realize that at that moment he can’t emotionally or physically carry his wife’s grief, his own grief, the nation’s grief, and the demands of his office. He says in a whisper that they must allow each other to live their own lives and deal with their challenges as they must.

It’s a powerful scene and reminds us that even in the most paramount of partnerships, marriage, that we are still left to make our own way through life and deal with our unique challenges. But having a comforting, forgiving, and burden-lifting spouse is a blessing.

Seek to lift your spouse’s burdens rather than add to them. 

“What makes loneliness an anguish is not that I have no one to share my burden, but this: I have only my own burden to bear.” —Dag Hammarskjold

See also Chris Hick's upcoming book on the film industry, Has Hollywood Lost Its Mind: A Parent's Guide to Movie Ratings.

You've Got Rhythm

Each December we invite a number of families into our home to have what we call a music party. By the time we begin our home is filled with close to 100 people of all ages. Some are professional musicians. Others are amateurs, both old or young, just getting started in their musical journey.  Still others claim to have no talent at all. They call themselves "the audience". 

We put each performer's name in a hat. We then draw them out one at a time until each performer has played. Classical, Folk, Jazz, Celtic, Blues, Rock, and Contemporary genres are performed with the crowed expressing their approval for each piece, whether a concerto by Haydn, a four person professional band, or a young child playing "Jingle Bells" out of tune on her first violin. 

The music dramatically alters the mood of the room--from somber to joyful with just a few notes. By the end of the concert, we all are filled. We're filled with something that we can't really explain other than to say the music touched us.

Family life is like this also. Sometimes our family music is improvisational and other times it's a strict time signature guiding us through a classical sonata. Other times our music is somber and tragic, written in a minor key, and other times our hearts race to the high-intensity beat of rock. In the end, the intent is to have enjoyed the music and come away filled. 

Whether your family is a Baroque quartet or a Jazz trio, a Rock band or a one-person gig, enjoy the music, the minor and major keys, the somber as well as the joyous notes. And don't forget that there is always an audience. 

"If music be the food of love, play on." --Shakespeare 

Are you a Grown-up?

"Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them." --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

From The Quotable Parent by Joel Weiss, forthcoming from Familius