Familius

What to Give Your Children

"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: one is roots, the other is wings." --Hodding Carter

Can You Afford to Have Children?

The Economic Policy Institute just released a study that suggests it costs around $50,000 in annual expenses to raise a family of four in the most inexpensive area in the U.S., Marshall County, MS. This is more than twice the amount of the Federal Poverty Benchmark. I tried to use the institute's Family Budget Calculator to calculate my costs with my seven children in Fresno, California. The problem was that the EPI didn't consider families larger than three children. If I had a family of three children, the cost would be approximately $77,000. 

There are two challenges that I see. First, in just one more way, society is structuring a world that is no longer aligned with families greater than two to three children; and second, the cost of raising a family is becoming so prohibitive that the decision to have a family is becoming an economic decision rather than a family decision.  (There's a perverse issue here in who can afford children and who is having children.)

Neither of these is conducive to a society that depends upon family strength to secure its own strength. 

For thoughts on having a large family consider Living in the Trenches: Successful Family Strategies from a Father of Nine (Yes, Nine!)

My Life

I work fourteen hours a day Monday through Friday. I work most of Saturday. I never work Sunday. I sleep on an air mattress in a one bedroom apartment leased by my much younger business partner. I eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch or an occasional salad at Taco Bell. For dinner? Chunky Soup. I Skype with my family each night, to read a story, or sing some songs, or tell them I love them. 

Why? 

To get a company off the ground that I believe in and to give authors who care about family a voice beyond their own circle. Why? Because family matters. Society is built upon families and our global society is only as healthy as our families. And yes, my family sacrifices. And, you are right, this situation is not ideal. But we believe in the mission and we see what Familius can become. And so we're willing to pay the price. 

I hope that soon my family can be with me and we can enjoy PB&Js together. In the meantime, we'll keep working to find the right authors, make the right connections, get the right PR, get the right distribution, get the right customers--so we can help the world one family at a time. 

Thanks for being part of our family. 

How to Share

Whenever I would split a piece of pie or cake with my grandfather he'd cut it in two and then pick the larger piece. I would say, "Grandpa, that doesn't seem fair. You both cut and get to choose and always take the bigger piece."

He would nod and between mouthfuls say, "Well, if you had picked first which piece would you have chosen?"

"The smaller one, of course."

He'd smile, smack his lips and then say, "You got it. What are you complaining for?"

The Truth

The truth about healthy family relationships is that it requires the truth. You can't lie, deceive, prevaricate, taradiddle, fib, evade or "tell a story" and expect to have great family relationships. Any worthwhile relationship is predicated on trust. Trust requires truth.  At the end of the day either you are honest or you are not. 

A great question to ask yourself is, are you honest in your dealings with those around you? And less we think we are honest all the time, remember:

"To tell the truth is not merely to state the facts but to convey true intent." --Robert Louis Stevenson 

You can state the facts and still have intent to deceive. 

A great book about how to help build trust is Dr. Ben Bernstein's A Teen's Guide to Success: How to Be Calm, Confident, and Focused. 

The Nurturing Dad

There is a sentiment that men are more aggressive, more competitive, more warlike than women, and, therefore, less nurturing. While it's true that with a family of boys even the most innocent kitchen spoon can be turned into a deadly weapon, men ARE NOT not nurturing (excuse the double negative). 

A boy can be nurtured to become a husband and then a father. And when that boy becomes a husband and father and understands his importance as role model, teacher, protector, leader, provider . . . he can be as nurturing as any mother. 

People traditionally rise to the level of expectation that is set for them. Rather than encourage your boys to watch bumbling, violent, insensitive, disinterested examples of husbands and fathers in the media, provide higher expectations and find examples that show what a major part of being a man is about--becoming a good, nurturing husband and father. 

Consider Muddling Through: Perspectives on Parenting by Bil Lepp for a great laugh, a good cry, and a better understanding of why fatherhood is important. 

Really Seeing Our Kids

"Maybe the most important trick is simply to keep looking at our children, really see them.  There are times in our lives, unfortunately, when those we love most become invisible to us, or nearly so.  A parent has to work hard against that tendency.  I think I felt this most keenly when I read the following haiku by Chiyo, a Japanese woman poet of the 1700’s:

The dragonfly hunter--

today where has he gotten to,

I wonder...

On first reading, this seems a perfectly normal moment in parenting:  Now where did that kid go?  When you learn, however, that Chiyo wrote the poem after the death of her young son, its depths are revealed.  How easy it is to take a child for granted, to be so caught up in adult concerns that the scurrying and chattering of the child mean no more to you than the dandelions growing out in the fields.  And yet, if you were somehow to lose that child..." --from Glad to Be Dad:  A Call to Fatherhood by Tim J. Myers

For additional thoughts on grief, consider Global Mom by Melissa Dalton-Bradford

Addictions

While it's a delicate subject, the devastating impact of pornography on families is really inarguable. What used to be an embarrassing and back-alley issue has come mainstream with adult entertainment conferences drawing tens of thousands of people, online companies targeting children, and Hollywood making movies about sex addition and the normalcy of pornography consumption. Further, what was primarily a male issue in the past has changed with some statistics showing that pornography consumption is split 50/50 between men and women.

With evidence suggesting that pornography has a profound negative affect on healthy marriages and sexual relationships, some researchers argue that the addictive nature of pornography should be considered more seriously. 

In an attempt to further educate Familius readers, we point you to an important  four-part series that explores the reality of pornography on families and why we should work harder to help our families avoid it. 

Familius will be publishing two books in the near future to help families with this serious issue: My Spouse is Addicted to Porn, Now What? and You are Addicted to Porn, Now What?

Vacation

As you noticed, I unplugged for a bit. Having opportunity to spend time with family is more important than blogging, than working, than writing, than editing, than marketing, than selling.

No success can compensate for failure in the home. 

Consider your time and make sure to spend it wisely--with your family. 

For a great read on family time, read Global Mom by Melissa Dalton Bradford, releasing next week. 

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