Familius

To Honor Our Mothers

The brilliant and original l’enfant terrible Oscar Wilde once said, “A woman will grow to be like her mother. That is her curse. A man won’t. That is his.”

This week, in preparation for Mother’s Day, we celebrate mothers. We have asked a few mothers from across the world to contribute their thoughts on the unique role mothers play in our lives and in society. We hope that you enjoy and share their thoughts and what motherhood means to them.

There are no more important, powerful or influential people in our lives than our own mothers—for good or ill.  It has been said that they “go down into the valley of death” to give us life. They allow their hearts to walk around outside their bodies as long as they live, vulnerable to all that we, their children, experience. It is a strange, vicarious life they live and welcome with open, yet trembling, arms.

My own mother recently celebrated her eightieth birthday. Having long survived two open-heart surgeries, breast cancer, heart break, and many other vicissitudes that our lives are heir to she maintains her dignity, her sense of humor, her joy of life and loves with abandon, wanting to know about our lives on a daily basis.

She was once famous, singing throughout the world, as a soprano. She and Beverly Sills were friends. She sang for President Eisenhower. She knew how to get to Lincoln Center, as they say. Time catches all and even her autumn days are passing as she nears the winter of her life.

And that is why I laugh at this image of her as Tuptim in the “King and I.” Is this my mother, with bare midriff, glancing at the camera as if the photographer has interrupted her bohemian moment?

A mother is a complex creature—mother, child, lover, sister, friend . . . woman.

It is only now, a few decades removed from her home, with a wife of my own, mother to my children, that I begin to see my mother for who she is.

Sing on, my mother. Yours is truly a voice I love to hear calling me. I am connected to you. I am yours and you are mine, forever and always.

There is Something You Can Do

“Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another’s pain, life is not all in vain.”

Helen Keller, 1880–1968

Big Goals Get Big Results

“Big goals get big results.  No goals get no results or somebody else’s results.”

 Mark Victor Hansen, 1948–, best-selling author and speaker

You must be in control of your life and your plans and goals. No one else can do that. Other people can help you but you may have to seek their assistance. Some people might take an interest in your career and future and they can be extremely valuable. In the long run, though, it’s all up to you.

From The Quotable Parent by Joel Weiss, forthcoming from Familius

Who Is Your Best Friend?

Who is your best friend? Is it your golfing buddy, your quilting companion, your bridge partner? Who is it that you confide in, who you trust completely, who you know will always be there to help and support you? The person who manages through your weaknesses and understands and nurtures your strengths better than you do?

Before I married I had in the trunk of my 1982 two-tone Bonneville Pontiac, with more than 250,000 miles on it, my golf clubs, my tennis racquet, handball gloves, fly fishing rods, bass rod, tackle, and my .22 rifle my father gave me when I turned twelve years old. I used these on outings with my friends, those who I considered my best friends.

I then met my future wife.

What kind of person would have such an attraction to render my love of hunting, fishing, time alone or with my friends no longer important? She did. All 5’2”, 100 pounds of her. Her hair, her eyes, her laugh, her caring, her patience, her love of life and love for me. She was so magnificent that everything else paled in comparison.

We married and the trunk of my car soon filled with strollers, baby wipes, groceries, beds, quilting frames, sewing machines . . . and my all-so-important gear—I really have no idea. Gathering dust, I suppose, somewhere.

I found that my best friend was my spouse. She became my everything. Even when I had children, those little bundles of joy, they could not take her place and never will. She is my companion. My trusted partner. She is my best friend and I would have it no other way.

Who is your best friend? If not your spouse, who? Go find her. Go find him. Celebrate the miracle that brought you together out of more than seven billion people.

“Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.” —Samuel Lover

Are You Angry?

“‘I lose my temper, but it’s all over in a minute,’ said the student, ‘so is the hydrogen bomb,’ I replied, ‘but think of the damage it produces.”’

—George Sweeting

“Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

—Seneca

Temper is a liability and must be controlled. It can do significant damage to you and others. One outburst at the wrong time and place could jeopardize your future. Having a bad temper is damaging to your reputation, your health, your relationships and your life. 

"When angry I count to ten before speaking. When especially angry, I count to one hundred." --Thomas Jefferson.

From The Quotable Parent by Joel Weiss, forthcoming from Familius.

How to Get to Lincoln Center

Another story is told of a man driving around Manhattan, obviously lost, who pulls over and asks a man walking down the street how he can get to Lincoln Center. The man pauses, looks over at the driver and says, “Practice, Man. Practice.”

To be considered accomplished at any particular discipline, whether music, archery, writing, sales, or anything requiring skill, a study revealed that the participant had to invest approximately 5,000 hours practicing that skill. If she wanted to be considered great at her chosen discipline, the study suggested 10,000 hours were necessary. And when someone considered a master at their discipline had their practice time analyzed, these rare masters had invested more than 15,000 hours.

If you chose to invest two hours a day at your discipline it would take you more than twenty years to reach 15,000 hours.

When the study analyzed the methods of practice the researchers discovered a dramatic difference in how the masters practiced compared to those who were considered accomplished. In golf for example, accomplished golfers would go to a driving range and proceed to hit 100 golf balls each morning, using a variety of clubs and objectives. The best golfers in the world, however, would go to the same driving ranges and hit 100 balls just like their counterparts, but these golfers would choose one club and proceed to attempt to hit 100 balls within one foot of a flag at a predetermined distance. These masters were maniacal in their attempt to manage the details. It was this disciplined objective that separated the masters from their merely accomplished colleagues.

What was most startling was that the study revealed that there was not a strong correlation between perceived talent and one’s ability to master a discipline, provided that the discipline didn’t require a significant strength or size advantage—such as an NFL lineman. The correlation was found in the hours invested and in how those hours were used, suggesting that anyone could become a master.

We spend a significant number of hours with our families. How do we become master parents, master grandparents, master siblings, master mentors?

Practice, Man. Practice.

What Kind of Investor Are You?

The story is told of a father who sent his son to the blacksmith shop to repair a broken tool. The son, with no money in his pocket, worried the entire way, not knowing how he was to pay for the repair.

After delivering the tool to the blacksmith, the son explained that his father had not given him anything with which to pay for the repair. The blacksmith smiled, put his hand on the boy’s shoulder and said, “Do not worry. Your father’s word is as good as his bond.”

The dividends from a trusting relationship are significant. The costs of a dysfunctional, untrustworthy relationship are also significant.

Considering your character, what kind of investor are you?

“Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it. The tree is the real thing.” –Abraham Lincoln

Imagination

What can you imagine? When you begin a new day, do you imagine a world full of possibilities, a world filled with choices, a world that provides limitless options for you to pursue? Or do you greet each new day focused on the constraints that exist and inhibit your dreams? The question is relevant. 

Recently scientists once again adjusted their view of the universe and their estimation of how many stars existed. The study by Yale University astronomer Pieter van Dokkum and Harvard astrophysicist Charlie Conroy and published in Nature estimated that the number of stars in the universe was possibly 20 times greater than previously thought. They theorized that there could be more than 300 sextillion stars. This would be 3 trillion times 100 billion or 3 with 23 zeros behind it.

This is a very large number.

In a world where the best and the brightest minds conclude that previous theories were incorrect and that their calculations must be continually adjusted upward, one wonders why some limit their choices, their dreams, and their imagination.

Is it fear of the unknown? Fear of holding themselves accountable to greater possibility?

Fortunately, we can choose to enlarge our imagination and influence our choices. Writers such as Corrie Ten Boom and Victor Frankl have reminded us that this is true, even in the most difficult of circumstances.

Imagination is invaluable. It is the driver of a world that can be, of a life that is possible, of dreams that have potential.

“One of the virtues of being very young is that you don’t let the facts get in the way of your imagination.” --Sam Levenson

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” --Victor Frankl

Do Something for Others

“You must give some time to your fellow men, even if it’s a little thing, do something for others, something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it.”

—Albert Schweitzer, 1875­-1965

Cookies

You cannot say the word “cookie” without feeling happy, recollecting youthful afternoons in the loving company of your mother. The rich smell of homemade cookies communicates play, love, time invested in family, and fun, regardless of age. 

Pamper yourself and your family. Bake some cookies. Today. Bake chocolate chocolate-chip cookies.

Cream ¾ cup butter, 1 ½ cups brown sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla, and two eggs in a mixing bowl. In a separate bowl whisk together 2 ¾ cups flour (preferably freshly ground whole wheat), 2 tablespoons cocoa, 1 teaspoon coarse sea salt, and 1 teaspoon baking soda. Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, slowly, and mix thoroughly. Add 12 ounces semi-sweet chocolate chips and gently mix.

Using a small ice cream scoop, spoon dough onto cookie sheet into perfect half balls. Add pecan halves if you prefer nuts.  Bake at 375 degrees for 10 minutes. Cookies will be crunchy on the outside but soft and chewy on the inside (Secret ingredient: ¾ cup shredded coconut).

Take a bite. Savor. Share. Laugh. Enjoy.

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.